Hellsing Ultimate Abridged: The Unofficial Novelization
by BlueWolf1923
Summary: The events of Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, as experienced and narrated by the cast. Their true thoughts may not at all be what you expect...
1. Chapter 1

The following is an unofficial adaptation of a fan-based parody. Neither Team Four Star nor Kouta Hirano have had any involvement with or knowledge of this work. I am making no profit in any way from this adaptation.

In addition, due to this being a fanfiction, I sought out a way to make this work unique and worth reading without changing the scenes and dialogue shown in Hellsing Ultimate Abridged. The solution that presented itself to me was Alternative Character Interpretation.

I truly do hope this tale amuses you.

X

The room was stained with copius, gratuitous, _ludicrous _amounts of blood. Not to mention the corpses still leaking the stuff. A few were in pieces, in particular a disembodied hand with the forearm bones attached but the flesh of the wrist cleanly gone. I don't even want to _think _about how that happened. Or maybe I do...

Edward and Bella still didn't seem to notice the mess.

"Mm... Oh yes..." in fact, Bella seemed to be quite enjoying herself. "I love you Edward!"

"And I... love you... Bella..." In the most robotic, lifeless voice imaginable, Edward gave his reply. Seriously, that _had _to be on purpose. Not even a vampire could sound that dead without really _trying _for it.

A knock came on the door.

"Hold on." Edward stepped away from Bella, and called while raising a submachine gun, "Who is it?" Yep, that sounded a bit more alive. He's doing it on purpose.

"Oh, _you _know..."

The first of thirty-seven high-caliber handgun rounds was fired through the door, shortly followed by the other thirty-six. That poor bastard screamed for his pitiful life as the shots of the Casull ripped through him, spraying even more blood everywhere. He was blasted backward into the wall, and by the time he slumped against it lifelessly, there really wasn't much left of him.

On the other side of the door, the No-Life King holstered his gun inside an 18th century frock of billowing crimson, formerly owned by one Abraham van Helsing. The swag-tastic broad-brimmed hat of the same color, however, was significantly newer, as were the orange-tinted Ozzy shades that completed his outfit.

"A _real _fucking vampire."

Now why the _fuck _am I, the Snark Lord Alucard, writing this in _third-person?_

X

"Hey Police Girl, do you have the target?"

Elsewhere, atop a rooftop with a stupidly massive sniper rifle, a young blonde woman lay prone with one of her keen blue eyes aligned with the scope. Technically, it was more like she was straddling the rooftop, but the point was the same.

Although I have to wonder why she would choose that position, really, with a skirt that short... that skirt was my idea, by the way. What, you didn't think we let her pick her _own _uniform, did you?

She blinked in surprise and sat up as her increasingly amusing nickname was called. "Okay, Master? My _name_, is _Seras_." She leaned back down, peering through the scope at Bella hauling ass down an otherwise empty road. Of course, I could see her pretty easily, but who better for the Police Girl's first kill? "And yes, I have the target in sight."

"Well, better take the shot, you're letting her get away," I replied in my preferred trolling voice at the moment. I like to switch it up from time to time, otherwise it gets old. I'm like a cold. You develop an immunity to me, so I switch it up and take your ass down again next year.

"If you'd just gimme a second to concentrate, I cou-"

"She's getting _away_, she's _running_, she's-"

Seras' eyes flashed red. "I get it! I'm lining up the-!"

"You're going to miss it, going to miss it!" I chanted with one of my favorite grins. I tilt my head down a bit so my hat blocks the light, and just my glasses and teeth show because they glow. Cool, huh?

"Just be quiet and let me-"

"Hey Police Girl! Hey! Hey _Police Girl_, he-"

A 50-Caliber bullet was fired, and the sound cut through the air and my trolling rather well. About one and a half kilometers away, Bella exploded. I pity the poor bastard who deals with roadkill in this town, because that bitch just got reduced to the consistency of strawberry jam, which was then spread over most of that highway like burnt toast.

Delicious.

"_There_! I _took _the fucking shot, she's _dead_, there's _blood, everywhere_!"

My grin split open even further, which is actually pretty impressive if I may say so myself. "Oh, you are just a treat."

X

**One Week Earlier**

Now I know you're wondering, 'How did all this come about?'

Well, it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear. The moon was full. I was dying to sink my teeth into something.

Heh. Get it? Because I'm a vampire! Huhuhahahaha! It's funny.

"So, you came. Too bad you're _far _too late!"

"What?" No, seriously. What? Who the hell is this guy, and why is he acting like he matters? Oh right, the homicidal vampire priest.

Oops. Spoilers.

So anyway, this idiot is dressed up in the lamest thrift-shop priest costume I've ever seen, like he couldn't even be bothered to kill a real one, and he's got his hair slicked back like he's Count fucking Dracula. But trust me, if he was, I'd know.

So this guy channels his inner Lelouch and kicks off the hammiest monologue I've seen this side of the fourth wall, complete with sweeping hand gestures to his ghouls, and he mentions something about raping this hot little blonde he's holding hostage. Well, she _does _have the nicest pair I've seen since Mina Harker, but to be honest I wasn't really listening right up until about...

"I'm going to kill YOU!"

Here.

"Oh?" This stupid, _stupid _n00b. There was no way I was going to let that one slide. I mean, who the hell do you think I am?

Oops. Reference. Maybe I should've used that line, actually.

"See, that _would _be intimidating if you were... well, _intimidating_." For the most part, I like to deliver my snark without laughing at my own lines, but sometimes I slip up. This time I just couldn't help chuckling a bit. He was just so pathetic.

And then he comes back with this gem:

"Are you mocking me!?"

What the hell kind of answer did he expect?

"Oh _no_! No, nonono... Pfffyeah."

And then I shot the priest and the big-tittied... cop? No, that isn't even _close _to catchy enough. Big-Tittied Police Girl? Ah, much better. But you know that by now.

"Well, that should about wrap things up here." And I really thought so, but then I heard Police Girl choking on her own blood. "Oh yeah, I forgot about you... sorry about that whole shooting-you thing, but I know if you look deep into your heart..." I glanced around for it, and spotted it after a moment. Ouch. "...Which is currently all over that tree... you'll find a way to forgive me."

And then she started crying. Fuck.

"Aw jeez, you look like a puppy! A blonde eviscerated puppy! Christ, fine, I'll help you!" as an afterthought I added, "But only because you've got nice tits."

X

"So, that's your field report?"

That would be my boss, Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing. Sure, we could cut out those middle names, but I guess the entire cast of this show thinks her full name is sexier. Except Walter, but he's an old fart, so it's understandable because he has no sex drive.

Whoops. I just broke the fourth wall, didn't I? Fuck it. If I can do it, I'm doing it.

"Yep."

"You went on a walk through the forest at midnight?"

"Yup."

"You killed a homicidal vampire priest?"

"Dead." But who are we kidding, that costume was fake as shit.

"And then you turned someone into a vampire. Who happens to be a-"

"Big-Tittied Police Girl. Yes, it's like I didn't just get through explaining this. Now, if you don't mind, I've got things to do." First and foremost, a certain Police Girl.

"What things? You don't do things!"

I love how people so perfectly set me up to snark like this.

"Yes I do. I take enthusiastic walks through the woods."

"...And kill homicidal vampire priests?"

"_Very _enthusiastic walks."

But he wasn't a fucking priest, he was a cheesy Dracula roleplayer.

X

**One Week Later**

"So, that's your field report?"

Oh fuck. Deja vu. You know what though? I'm gonna roll with it.

"Yup."

"So you broke into the house."

"Yup." Technically I shot him _through _the door, but close enough.

"And you +shot him thirty-six times."

"Thirty-_seven_." It had to be that _exact _number for the Llamas With Hats reference.

"And took out his partner."

"To be fair, that was the Police Girl. With the big titties."

I could hear the exasperation in her voice, exactly what I was going for. "...You _need _to stop going on walks."

"Then you need to hurry up and hook up some Goddamn DSL in here!"

There we go. My point has been proven wonderfully, and we should have internet by the end of the week.

"Ugh, _listen_. You have an assignment in Ireland."

"Ooh, I've never hunted down a leprechaun before." I love my job. "Do you think if I shoot one with my gun, Lucky Charms would explode everywhere?" That would make for an even tastier mission than usual. Although to be fair, Lucky Charms is only my _second _favorite cereal.

"Sweet Christ. Just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital... and bring the Police Girl with you."

"Aw come on, I have to bring her _everywhere_!"

"Ah ah ah, none of the sass."

"Yes, _Mom_."

I think I could've done better than that, but to be honest I was a little eager to shoot something in Ireland. Possibly the Police Girl. If you know what I mean.

You'd better fucking know what I mean.

X

Meanwhile in Italy, two priests are chatting about killing things without a little boy in sight. Make of that what you will.

X

After quite a bit of boring stuff you don't want to read about, I ended up here, in a hospital filled with ghouls. Well, half-filled at this point; I'm having a blast killing them. But why should I have all the fun?

"Hey Police Girl! _Poliiice Girl_! This is awesome! You should totally join in! Seriously, there's like forty zombies in here! Just one shot to the head and they _explode_!" Bang. "This is like House of the Dead, only like, a hundred times more awesome!"

So the Police Girl blasts the door down and tuck-and-rolls into the room, hand-cannon at the ready. "Fine. I'll shoot some-o' the rotten bastards. Can't be _that _much fun." She takes aim, fires, and blows a zombie's head off. Her eyes start glowing red... I think I like where this is going. "Oh, fuck the hell _yes_."

And twenty seconds later all the zombies are gone. Sure, I missed out on some great shooting, but that was _hot_. "Sweet Black fucking Sabbath. If I wasn't holding out for that beast of a woman Integra," mostly because I'm curious if she has any sex drive herself, "I'd fuck the red right out of those eyes."

Out of nowhere, about a dozen stupidly huge knives stab through her back. Someone's compensating for something. "Well, kinda like that, but with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina."

Now who the fuck has the balls to interrupt my lovely night out? "Hm?" Hearing this party-crashing motherfucker's footsteps, I turn to face him. He stinks. "Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here."

A bigass grey trenchcoat, round glasses... hold on, someone's stealing my swag. At least he doesn't have the hat too. That would be pushing it... so anyway, this guy's Irish, a priest going by the smell, and clearly a vampire hunter... let's piss him off.

"Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church. And what's this? No little Timmy glued to your crotch. _Progress_."

"Ah, look at what we have here?" he shoots back with a huge grin. He took that snark pretty well, actually. "A bloody Heathen!" Oh come on, that's the best he's got? Let me show him how it's done; maybe he'll get it this time...

"Excuse me, but I am a _fuckmothering vampire_. I've killed a _lot _of people to get this title," Obligatory Call of Duty reference, "I deserve to be called such."

"Well then. Mind if I ask you your name?" Hm. I hope he's setting me up for a one-liner, because if he's not, I'm gonna be really disappointed.

"Only if you give yours first, papist."

"Fine, I'll give ya the courtesy. The name's Alexander Anderson."

Somewhere, I just know Integra said something stupid. But in a funny way.

"You have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world!" Ooh, it looks like we've got ourselves a ham. Already holding one huge knife, he yanks a second out of the Police Girl's back... _ow_... and goes on, "You will witness what happens here today, and you will tell of it later!" He crosses the blades... yep, definitely Catholic... "Except ya won't! 'Cause I'll have killed ya!"

Wait.

"Oh my. _Brilliant _speech... and _unoriginal_. That's totally from Boondock Saints."

"What!? No it isn't! I came up with it a week ago!" Oh, he seems a little agitated now. Did I just hit a nerve?

"Whatever. We're here for the vampire," I tell him. Now that I've started to piss him off, a real insult would be to get him to work with us at this _exact _moment.

"The only one left here is your sorry pale arse." And that door just slammed, but at least he's starting to figure out how this works.

The Police Girl makes that fucking blood-gurgling noise again. "Yeah yeah, gimme a minute." I turn back to Anderson, and by now he should be noticing that I haven't stopped grinning this whole time. "So what do you want, anyway? The nearest elementary school is at least ten kilometers away."

"It is your corrupt I claim!" Here we go again. "It is your evil that will be sought by me with every breath!" It's best I cut him off before he gets too into this...

"_Boondock. Saints. _Seriously, you must watch that movie _religiously_. Heh. Get it?"

"Okay, ya know what? Fuck it." Yep, I struck a nerve alright. "Knife."

Huh? "Knife?"

Whoa, now there's a knife in my chest and I'm coughing up blood. Cool. "Master!" Police Girl calls, almost like she thinks this little thing actually matters. How cute.

Okay, my turn to make a reference. "Boom." I blow this guy's brains out with one bullet. "Headshot." We hardly knew ye. "Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, Count Choc-"

And there goes my head again. Fuck I hate when my head comes off... wait a minute, who cut it off, anyway?

"Master!" Again with this crap? Seriously?

"Well, now that that's over..." and now this fucker is stealing my _lines _too. Like taking my outfit wasn't enough. "...how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal," and now he's putting the moves on the Police Girl too... "Frankenberr- oh _son of a Protestant whore_!"

Huh. I expected it to be Lucky Charms.

Wait, where am I? Oh, I'm in between the Police Girl's left shoulder and tit. Sweet. "See? This kinda shit is why I stopped going to church..."

Unholy shit.

She snarked.

_**I WANT HER.**_

_Police Girl... _this should work nicely, I just have to sound like I'm dead. Sound like Edward, that's all. _Poliiiice Girrrl. You are reading your Master's miiind. Put my heeaad between your boooobs._

"Now I'm all alone." And she puts my head between her boobs... that actually worked!? "The only one I have left is you..."

_Very good. Now the next thing I want you to do is, put me between your leeee-_

Thwahchsk. A knife flies into my forehead and I've just gotten a one-way ticket out of Marshmallow Hell. "Goddammit!"

"It's a shame, for ya lost your head. A careless vampire who wound up dead. You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize. Too many lies... too many lies..."

...This guy must be _made _of references.

_What do I do? What do I do!? _Seems like the telepathic link between me and the Police Girl is still open. Huh. _I... I could try seducing him? Wait, no! I'm not an eight-year-old boy! Shit!_

I will take this woman, and I will teach her true mastery of snark. I might in fact do both at the same time.

"Say your prayers, wee lass!" Unless this son of a bitch kills her before I get to have my fun... If he does, I swear I'll assrape him with her sniper rifle. Or a chainsaw, depending on what's available at the moment.

A few handgun shots ring out... my Casull makes it look like a bitch, but a gun is a gun, and Reference McUnoriginal seems to be wielding knives of soft silver, so they get smashed to pieces. Nice save, boss.

"That girl belongs to me."

No, she belongs to _me_, but close enough.

"Well, aren't _you _the naughty one?" Oh? It seems like McUnoriginal seems to be getting the hang of this...

"Don't make me shoot you in the _fucking _head." Too bad Integra has always been a poor sport with this kind of thing.

"What the hell do ya want, ya crazy Protestant bastard?"

"I'm a _woman_."

"Call yerself whatever ya want, ya crazy Protestant bastard!"

I have trained him well, but his potential falls far short of the Police Girl.

"...You do know, this is a grave violation of our agreement," she states, still unamused.

"And what part would that be?"

"The part where you're _here_, killing my men!" Oh shit, she's pissed now.

So what does McUnoriginal do? Kill two more and cross blades with Integra herself. "I have no idea what yer on about!" I think I'm starting to like this guy. "I'm just here doin' ma job, killin' vampires and werewolves and leprechauns... I've never actually found one, but do ye think if I cut one open with my knife it would spill out Lucky Charms?"

Ah. So they must be _his _second favorite cereal too. Or he was lying about liking Frankenberry.

"Just shut up! Where the hell is Alucard!?" She tells him to shut up, then asks him a question. Typical.

"Ah him? I _killed _him!"

"Killed him?" she sounds almost amused. Almost.

"Cut off his bloody head!"

"Oh." She's grinning now. This crazy fucker actually got her to _grin_... "Well, that's step one. What about two through ten?"

"Ah, Christ!"

And that's my cue to regenerate in the most over-the-top _awesome _way I can. For best results, take with epic orchestral music and popcorn. My hat's missing, but fuck it. I'll find it once I'm through showing McUnoriginal who the _real _Snark Lord is.

"You done goofed."

"How the blood-soaked Protestant _Hell _did ya do that!?"

"Fuck you, that's how."

"Ya know what? I've had enough of this." Ooh, looks like I win again. Shocker. He flips open a Bible and a few hundred pages fly out and around him... that's actually pretty neat. "Ta Hell with all ya dirty Heathens!"

And then he's gone.

"Eat me! Don't forget to write!" I call after him, just for the lulz. As always, really.

"Oh my God." The Police Girl falls to her knees, somehow with her sniper rifle in hand again. "We survived!"

"So..." sooner or later I'll have to mention that I was fully conscious during my visit to Marshmallow Hell, but that can wait.

"What?" Integra asks tiredly.

"Do I get to go after him?"

"No."

"Aw come on!"

"No, and that's _final_! We've got bigger things to worry about. Whoever's behind these vampire attacks... it has to be some kind of large, organized group."

"Like the Nazis?" Oh, the good old days. Operation Kraut Control, and fun stuff like that.

"That would be _retarded_."

X

**Meanwhile**

"Gentlemen... ve... are Nazis."

"Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!"

"Und ve... vill have vaaaar."

"Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!"

"Und ve... Und ve... atchuslk!"

"Gesundheit! Gesundheit!"

This is gonna be great.


	2. Chapter 2

The following is an unofficial adaptation of a fan-based parody. Neither Team Four Star nor Kouta Hirano have had any involvement with or knowledge of this work. I am making no profit in any way from this adaptation.

In addition, due to this being a fanfiction, I sought out a way to make this work unique and worth reading without changing the scenes and dialogue shown in Hellsing Ultimate Abridged. The solution that presented itself to me was Alternative Character Interpretation.

I truly do hope this tale amuses you.

X

**As experienced by the Snark Lord Alucard**

I pick up my phone, and Integra seems, for once, not irritated at all. "Hello Alucard, how was your mission in Japan?"

But now I'm back in London, so I can get to work fixing that. "Eh, I'd say ninety-nine... point nine... percent done," I answer with just a _hint _of my new troll voice. I left one ghoul alive back there for shits and giggles. So on to the matter at hand... "Sup bitch?"

"I need to talk to you about some important guests coming today."

"Are they hookers?" A guy can hope.

"No."

"And like that, you've lost me." Obviously, she hasn't really, but there are two things I do for fun when I'm not on a mission. Trolling, and can you guess the other?

"They're our financial suppliers," she corrects me, and I suppress the urge to burst out laughing only because not doing so makes it _more _funny.

"_Oh _man. They have to _hate _us." And I'm serious about that.

"They do," Integra answers grimly. "That's why they cancelled our budget."

Shit.

But I can't come right out and say 'shit,' can I? Of course not; I'm Alucard.

"That's bad," I observe. "We need that, right? Walter, we need that, right?"

"Yes, very important," Alfred answers.

"Thank you Walter."

In case you're wondering, I go easy on the old man because he and I are war buddies, and nothing I say can faze him anyway, so I might as well play nice.

"Of course sir."

"Over the last couple of years," Integra interjects, "We've had some _expensive _claims."

"Like what?" Of course, I know exactly what. But this is gonna be funny.

"First off, property damage."

I send Seras a mental image of a street exploding, and humans feebly trying to run from the fireball. Technically that's a scene from Black Butler, but what the hell. She responds with a smiley-face emoticon... she's still getting the hang of this.

"Good times."

"Dozens of noise complaints."

I nod at the Police Girl, who pushes the 'play' button on the boombox at her feet to blare some heavy metal music on cue. I can't even tell you how much planning it took to set up that _one _little part of my trolling act. "_Boring_! I can't _hear _you!"

"Killing at least a _dozen _innocent people," Integra goes on, and it's clear that that last one got to her. The Police Girl kills the music.

"Oh so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a _fucking _Oscar for it!" I shoot back, actually annoyed for once. The Police Girl suppresses a giggle, which I still notice.

"_And_," Integra's voice raises slightly; it seems my little flicker of annoyance amused her, "all of the sexual harassment."

Seras looks up at me curiously.

"...I'm not apologizing."

"Listen," she goes on as if I hadn't said anything, "I know this is asking a lot, but..."

"Buuuut?" I grin evilly.

"I need you to keep yourself locked in the basement until _all of them are gone_," she orders me, or tries to.

"I get the distinct impression you're embarassed of me."

"_Alucard_..."

"I'm gonna go with _no_," I purr, fully unveiling my new troll voice. Similar to the last one, but a bit deeper with each word enunciated more clearly. I'm going for a sound sort of like Crispin Freeman if he were a troll. This takes quite a bit of thought, you know.

"This is important, and I don't need you causing another scene!" She's starting to get frantic now; I think the voice worked nicely.

"I don't have to take this. I'm going for a walk."

"No you don't!" Integra snaps.

"Oh, what are you gonna do? Grab that guy who can stop me? What was his name...?" I pause thoughtfully, and Seras... whoops, I mean Police Girl... reminds me. "Michael McDoesntexist?"

She sighs, defeated. "...What do you want?"

"What?"

"What, do I need to give you, to keep you down there for the evening?"

"...I'm going to need a new gun," I kick off my Christmas list, but the Police Girl interrupts with a mental image that I can't help but grin at. "Also one for the Police Girl!"

To hide her nature as my prodigious student, Seras interrupts timidly, "But I already have a gun!"

"Get that bitch a cannon. Bitches love cannons."

"Anything else?" Integra answers angrily. Glad you asked, boss.

"A seventy-inch... plasma widescreen TV."

"...Really?"

"With Netflix."

"Should it also be 3D?"

"_No, that's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it!_" I roar, then hang up with a pleasantly resounding click.

"You did well, Police Girl," I turn my grin on Seras.

"Thank you, Master," her eyes flash red as she returns that same grin, fangs and all.

I'm five hundred years old, and I've never been so proud of any other accomplishment in my entire life.

I have corrupted Seras Victoria.

X

**As experienced by Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing**

"Hello gentlemen." Thank God, it actually seems like Alucard is going to cooperate this time... although I shudder to think what horrors he'll expose Seras to, with that TV and Netflix I gave him. Still, at least now I can feel dignified again, for the moment. "Thank you very much for accepting my invitation."

"Well, considering the direness of your financial security, we thought it was the least we could do," the fat one answers.

"Now before we begin, I was under the impression our budget was handled directly by the Queen."

"Oh, it is," the old skinny one replies, "But we're having a _distinctly _difficult time justifying some of these expenses."

"Most of them under the name," Fatso inquires, "_Alucard_?"

Here we go. I take a deep breath, but that's really not going to help. "...Continue."

Geezer picks up where Fatso left off, "For example, some of them were frankly labeled 'entertainment.'"

"...Entertainment?"

"Quite." a younger old man reaches around where I can't see, under the table. "Like in my report, twenty thousand for a... candy?"

"That's Candi with an I, by the way," some guy who looks like Soichiro Yagami goes on. I swear I've never seen any of these idiots before.

"I see," is the only thing I can really say.

"Not to mention the priceless antique cars," Geezer pipes up. Cars, _plural_!? "I believe the note on the claim was 'I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats. So I scrapped it.'"

"So that's why we found my father's car covered it goat blood and rammed into a Dairy Queen." At this point, it doesn't even faze me anymore. It's just Alucard's twisted brand of normalcy. And have I mentioned the fact that there are no Dairy Queens in England? _At all!_ For God's sake, the sick bastard had that thing shipped to _Canada _just to crash it into a Dairy Queen! Because McDonald's wasn't fucking good enough!

"And then there's also the Dairy Queen," Fatso speaks up. Of course he'd be the one to talk about it. "Sitting at about ninety-five thousand..."

I would give fucking _anything _right now to get out of this...

X

**As experienced by the artificial vampire Jan Valentine**

"And so halfway through blowin' me, the fuckin' hooker OD's on heroin!"

"I _really _don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you," Luke mutters. Fuck him, I'm getting into telling this story.

"I mean, I still _finished_, but what kinda shit is that!?" I go on.

"For God's sakes, Jan, think of mother!" he pleads.

I think of the old bitch for a sec, then mention casually, "I ain't jerkin' off right now." Of course, the idea is to imply that I think of Mom when I jerk off, but... _no_.

"Oi you two!" Two British 'blokes' show up and get in our way. Must be Hellsing mooks. "The grounds are currently closed!"

"Aw man, that totally sucks!" I'm sure Luke wanted to do the talking, but this is gonna be funny as shit; wait for it. "And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip to England!"

Luke raises an eyebrow.

"Where from?"

About a hundred assault rifles emerge from the windows of the bus behind me, which for some reason Luke and I went walking out in front of.

"Texas."

And then with a snap of my fingers we turn these morons into ludicrous gibs.

"Aw shit. Looks like we need more prayer in schools."

"If you're quite finished," Luke interrupts with a smirk... so I _did _get to him after all... "Ready the ghouls. I'm going to find Alucard; you overrun the rest of the mansion."

"Alrighty!" Fuck, I've been looking forward to this. "Attention all bitches! Off the bus and line up in order!" On cue, the bitches march out of the bus with riot shields and assault rifles. Squee. Taking a moment to grab a pair of sniper rifles to dual-wield, I finish, "I've got a class assignment for all'a y'all."

X

**As experienced by Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing**

"...and while the mime did _survive_, he'll never walk again!"

To be honest, I was spaced out through all of this. It's only when the lights flicker that I actually realize he's telling a story I haven't heard before, and I get a little curious. What the fuck did Alucard do to the mime? And aren't mimes a French thing? That would mean he crossed the Channel, fucked up a mime, and came back without me noticing. Now what's this with the lights?

"That's funny," Fatso observes as the lights flicker darker, "we weren't cutting the power just yet." They go off before the generators kick in.

Wait... they're cutting the power!? "Oh, _shit_." And to make things worse, shit's going down outside this room, I just know it. So I call up the front desk. "Front desk, report. What's going on?"

"Oh, yeah. Yeah. Hold on." Oh, it just _had _to be this guy's shift, didn't it? "Just gimme a second... Yeah, it's ghouls. Definitely, definitely gho..." A hear a familiar loud hiss. "...OHMYGOD!"

And then the line goes dead. I can't say I'll miss McDoesntexist, but we have problems now.

"Sir Integra, do something!" Fatso loses his shit.

"Calm down," I exercise my voice of authority, which is effective on everyone but Alucard. "We have over one hundred trained guards on the premises at all times. We have everything under control."

I hear a dulled explosion from far above us, and some dust shakes loose of the ceiling. Fuck.

"What was that?"

"...That was probably the escape chopper exploding. As I was saying, let me just contact communications and get an update." Beep. "Communications, come on. We need a full report..."

I'm cut off by the communications specialist crying.

Oh fuck.

"Read the fuckin' paper," says some guy I don't know.

Oh, _fuck_!

"...Hey there... Integra..."

"Read it fuckin' _right_, cockhole!" the sick bastard slaps the com guy.

"Hey there, you fat English whore!" he pauses to weep again.

"That's more like it. Now keep going."

"Me, and my big brother Luke, are killing, all your men, and turning, them, into ghouls... So, I hope, you've made peace, with yourself, 'cause when, I find, you... I'm gonna... Oh God..."

"Keep reading, or I _shoot the other testicle_!"

"'CausewhenIfindyou I'm gonna fuck every hole you've goooot!" he sobs. "And then I'm gonna just keep making more holes to fuck... Until there's nothing left but your ruined corpse full of blood! And semen!" he stops and just starts crying again. "Oh God this is horrible..."

"You ain't finished yet!"

"So prepare your dried-up pussy, for my huge vampire cock! Now pardon me, while I blow this faggot ginger's brains outOHGODNO-"

Bang.

"Hahahaha! Oh, his fuckin' face man! Aha, fuck! Hehehehe! Oh, now _that _shit is _priceless_!"

Click.

I'll kill him. I will personally kill this vampire. It won't be Alucard or Walter or the Police Girl who does it. If I ever so much as see a vampire who makes the sounds that sick bastard did, I will kill him myself.

On an unrelated note, I quickly get Alucard on the line. "Alucard get up here _now_! I'm locked in with the commitee on the third floor-"

"You see, I'm gonna have to stop you _riiight _there. Y'see, I'm under direct orders from my boss, who is a total bitch by the way," he grunts, "That I am not to leave this room until such time as the commitee has left the building. I was even bribed. Imagine that."

"Alucard you vampiric asshole I will-"

"Sounds great. But I'm gonna have to go now; I just queued up an episode of Adventure Time on Netflix. Bye!"

"_Adventure Time; c'mon grab your friends_-"

Click. Beep. "WALTER!"

X

**As experienced by the Snark Lord Alucard**

_He's getting closer. I actually heard a few splashes of blood hitting that last wall. _

_So what should I do, Master?_

_Kill the other one, obviously. From what I'm hearing upstairs, fighting him should be a blast. _

From the other side of the wall, I hear some tinny orchestral music, then the vampire killing my spare bloodbags answers his phone. "So, how's my favorite big brother doing?" the younger brother asks.

"Oh you know, just killed a group of guards," he answers nonchalantly.

"Shit bro, you too? What's your kill count at?" a pause, then, "Nah, don't tell me. I'm winning."

"They were guarding a secret passageway downstairs. Not really keeping it a secret if you keep a bunch of armed guards standing around it."

Ah. Someone gets it.

"Well, you have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skullfuck that Hellsing bitch. And the old guys. Ah fuck it. Skullfuckin' for everyone! Come here, ghoul!"

"Rooouaagh." Click.

Oh yes, she'll have plenty of fun with this guy.

"Well you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family," the older brother finishes, then flips his phone shut and begins the long walk toward my lair.

X

**As experienced by the Draculina Seras Victoria, formerly a Police Girl**

"Alright. Walter and his assistant should be here any second now."

How right you are, boss.

"But if there's no way to get upstairs," some guy panics, and my choice is made. I'm using this one to break my fall. "How are they going to-" the air vent nails him in the face first, shortly followed by my ass... that much was unintentional...

And of course Alfred sticks the landing hands-first with a cheery "Tally-ho!" I can see why Master respects him; he's one _hell _of a butler.

"Good to see you, Walter." Boss doesn't bother to comment that I'm still sitting on this guy... apparently she doesn't like him either.

"Of course sir." He holds out a lighter for her fresh cigar.

"The first two floors have been entirely overrun," she begins. "Communications with the outside have been cut off, we lost all our men, and Alucard is being..."

"Alucard?"

The as-yet undefeated Snark Lord?

"...a total ass, yes. Now tell me, do you have any plans?"

"Of course sir." I'm actually pretty impressed that he can answer _everything _with that line. "I shall do exactly as the butler does..." he raises a hand with shiny blue wire dangling from his fingertips, "...and tidy up."

To be fair, a weapon like that is only gonna make the mess _worse_, but I admire his tenacity.

So off we go to fuck up another vampire with an army of ghouls. It takes him a while but we find him marching through the mansion to his own tune: "I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck. Now if I gave a shit, I might just give a fuck, but I don't give a shit, so I don't give a-"

The ghouls behind him explode, and this seems to faze him. "...fuck was that?"

"Hello," Walter strides forward with an air of importance, while I hang back to watch. "My name is Walter C. Dornez, ex-vampire hunter and butler to the Hellsing Organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash," he announces while fixing his gloves, then begins waving that glowy wire around in an inexplicably badass way. "And I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself."

I like him.

"Well ain't you just the textbook _fuckin_' definition of classy?" the vampire shoots back. "But guess what Jeeves?" more ghouls with shields line up in front of him. "That garotte wire won't do shit for _dick _against armor _this _thick! What's that, Alfred?" he pauses gleefully as the ghouls begin to march forward. "How thick is it? Well, half as thick as my _dick_. So thick enough that you need a fuckin' anti-tank rifle to pierce it. And I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass."

"Police Girl, if you may?"

As much as I'd love to introduce this guy to Master, that's my cue.

"Bitches love cannons!"

Well, at least vampire Police Girls love cannons. I'm particularly fond of this one, the Anti-Midian Cannon Harkonnen, which packs enough power to blow away half of that heavily armored ghoul army with one shot, scattering gibs and chunks of metal everywhere. It takes the enhanced strength of a vampire just to carry this thing.

On that note, boom.

"Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle," the n00b observes dispassionately, then repeats, "_Oh fuck that's an anti-tank rifle!_"

Bet your greasy little ass it is.

X

**As experienced by the Snark Lord Alucard**

While watching Jake the Dog inexplicably laughing his ass off on a seventy-inch screen, it occurs to me that I forgot to ask Integra for a Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird, which was right at the top of my Christmas list.

Fuck.

And then to make matters worse, my TV just explodes. Apparently this guy thought it would be a good idea to kick down that _exact _section of my wall, rather than _using the fucking door._

"...That was a seventy-inch... plasma-screen TV." It takes considerable effort for me to convince myself that the best way to make this punk suffer is to troll him. "..._So_, how can I help you!?"

"You must be the great Alucard," he grins at me.

Oh fuck. A fanboy.

"Suuup?"

"I've heard quite a lot about you."

"Oh really?" this might actually be amusing.

"The Nightwalker. Who glides through oceans of blood. Beyond human, a monster whose power radiates with a darkness that casts _a shadow on darkness itself_!"

Nightwalker? Seriously? Who comes up with shit nicknames like that? Am I the villian of Blade 4 or something? I mean, that 'casting a shadow on darkness itself' bit is kinda good, but I digress.

"Oh you dirty bitch, work the shaft!"

"Ex...cuse you?" he comes back, confused.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I," I choke back laughter, "I like to dirty talk when someone's _sucking my dick_."

"...Perhaps I should just skip to my point."

That'd be a wonderful idea, yes.

"My name is Luke Valentine."

"And I'm Carmen Sandiego; guess where I am!" That one never gets old.

"...I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here."

"Oh, so am I. And I'm failing. And I'm sorry for that." my grin drops. "It's just that I'm so agitated, because this blond little shit strolled into my room, destroyed my seventy-inch _plasma TV_, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father."

In a flash, his gun is stuck against my forehead, as is my brand-new hand-cannon the Jackal against his. "Be a sport and grab daddy another beer, would you?"

X

**As experienced by the Draculina Seras Victoria, formerly a Police Girl**

"Armbars everywhere!" I shout gleefully, with this sex-addicted psycho pinned under me.

He's trying to yell at me, but I can't hear him over Alfred addressing me. "That's quite impressive," he observes. "Where did you learn that hold?"

I grin up at him while my prey's spine crunches. "Ooh wow, it's almost like I'm a _Police Girl or something_!"

"Sarcasm is unbecoming of you."

Really? I thought that one was pretty good.

"Wow, gee willickers mister," the sex addict pipes up. "I sure am sorry for slaughtering all your guards and tearin' up your mansion! I promise I've learned my less-" Walter stomps down on his hand, and he changes his tune, "Ah fuck, take a joke asshole!"

"And everything you say just pisses me off!" Alfred snarls. "Now you're going to tell me everything I want to know."

"Alright, alright. What ya do, is ya go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called Viagra..." oh you stupid bastard, "...and it'll help ya _go fuck yourself_!"

Sebastian growls in his displeasure, and his razor wire starts glinting again. I should probably move this guy into a standing position now, so I don't get diced up too...

Behind me, I hear about twenty different growls, and Walter's eyes go wide. The sex addict kicks me and breaks free of my favorite hold, then bounces over to his army of ghouls. "And now for the upcoming company picnic!" he takes a half-assed bow. "Unfortunately, all your douchebag coworkers are bringin' is their own rotten flesh... still better than potato salad if you ask me."

On that much, I can agree with him.

"Now if'n ya don't mind, I'mma go eat that Hellsing bitch!" he leaps over his both, and Walter catches him with his wire.

"I've got your arm."

"So shove it up your ass! _AHAHAHAHAHA_!"

He kicks open the door, and stops dead in his tracks at the sight of the boss and the commitee all with handguns trained on him. "...Well _that's _not fair at all."

"I'm sorry," Integra shoots back. "We don't give a fuck."

And as he gets shot to pieces, the sex addict lets loose the biggest cluster F-bomb I've ever heard. Granted, at this point I'm already tuning out everything he says, but still. "...Fuck. Where the fuck did my ghouls go?"

"Oh, they've been dealt with."

Technically I'm still dealing with them... I'm really going to need some kind of cover story to explain the huge-ass grin on my face as I rip these meatbags apart with my bare hands... I'm sure Master can come up with something.

"...Well, at least I'm gonna die with a raging boner."

See? Sex addict.

"Alright, shit-for-brains," Integra speaks up as I take up my place behind her, still splattered in tangy, delicious ghoul blood. "You're going to spill every single thing you know, or I'm going to have Walter here peel your dick like a banana."

The sex addict bursts out laughing, and honestly I don't blame him. That _was _pretty funny. "I dunno what's fuckin' funnier. The fact that you think that your titless ass intimidates me, or that you think my boss would let me live if you did." He promptly bursts into blue flames... wait, so his boss is Rin Okumura? "And now I'm on fuckin' _fire_! So now it's free game! The one who sent me... _was_... _Naziiiiiis_!"

As the sex addict crumbles into a pile of ash, the boss remarks, "I heard George Lucas. Who else heard George Lucas?"

"I heard Miami Heat," Sebastian answers.

Now you _know _I heard Nazis, because I'm narrating this. But I think Master would get more fun out of it if he finds this out for himself, so I answer, "I heard the Motley Crue with my vampire hearing."

"...Wait a second." Oh no, she's onto me. That acting _was _pretty wooden... "Where's the big brother?"

Phew. Close one.

X

**As experienced by the Snark Lord Alucard**

"You can't touch me! I was hand-crafted to kill you! My speed, my stamina, my power all rival, nay, _dwarf _yours! In comparison to you, I am a _demigod_!"

I'm starting to get annoyed... this little shit just keeps flash-stepping around my bullets while I take his like a man... monster... whatever. "...Really? _Really_?"

"Really."

"Really?"

"Really!"

"_**REALLY**_?"

He just doesn't get it. "Really!"

"Release restraint to Level One."

"Level What?"

Luke Valentine watches as my body tears apart into a storm of darkness that casts a shadow on darkness itself. He stares into the abyss, and the abyss stares back into him with many thousands of stolen eyes. The soul of what was once a puppy snarls. I shoot his leg off. He screams.

"You know, they say that TV makes you violent! But I say not having my TV, is making me pretty fucking violent!"

And there goes his other leg.

"...I'm near the stairs. Gotta get to the stairs! If I can just get up the stairs, I..." he looks up at the fucking massive stairway he came down easily when he had legs. "Awwwww _fuck_."

"Come on! You were talking all that good shit a second ago! Then I blew your fucking legs off!" When trolling isn't satisfying enough, make them shit themselves.

"Wha... you... whathefuck!?" he squeals.

"What's wrong, _demigod_? Just grow back your legs! Summon up your demons! Hit me! Fight me!" Pausing for breath, I decide to give him the briefest flicker of hope. "Give me a hug."

"...Really?"

For a moment I stop grinning, then start again. "OhgodNO-"

_Are they listening in right now, Police Girl?_

_Yes, Master. _

_Good..._

"Hey, we're here on Epic Meal Time! I'm the _sauce boss_, and tonight, we're eating this blond little wannabe demigod _bitch_!"

X

**As experienced by the Draculina Seras Victoria, formerly a Police Girl**

"...Who... _is _that, exactly?"

"Oh, that's Alucard, the one we talked about earlier. This is what happens when he has to entertain himself... Oh, so what was that issue with our funding?"

"Issue?"

"_What _issue!?"

"I don't see an issue!"

"Shut up and take our money!"

_Well done, Master. Your plan worked perfectly._

_As always, Police Girl._

X

**As experienced by Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing**

"Ah, and just like that, everything turned out alright in the end."

Fuck you, Alucard. "Yes, everything turned out just fine. Except that ninety percent of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the Police Girl in a blood rage."

"What's a blood rage? And why don't I remember anything?"

Poor girl is going to have to live with this condition her whole eternal life. Not to mention she'll be stuck with Alucard himself that whole time.

"Well that reminds me for whatever reason, did we ever find out who sent them?"

Silence.

"...It was the Nazis, wasn't it?"

"...No."

"Bet you I'm right."

"Bet you you're wrong."

"Bet you you're a _skank_."

"Bet you you're an _asshole_."

"BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!"


	3. Chapter 3

The following is an unofficial adaptation of a fan-based parody. Neither Team Four Star nor Kouta Hirano have had any involvement with or knowledge of this work. I am making no profit in any way from this adaptation.

In addition, due to this being a fanfiction, I sought out a way to make this work unique and worth reading without changing the scenes and dialogue shown in Hellsing Ultimate Abridged. The solution that presented itself to me was Alternative Character Interpretation.

I truly do hope this tale amuses you.

_Beta Bitch be Izzietheravenclaw83. Beta for chapters 1,2,3 and soon to be 4. If you have time in your lives, check her stuff out (totally not her writing this). _

_~ITRC83_

I am so sorry for her disrespectful disposition.

X

**As experienced by the Snark Lord Alucard**

_"Vampire king."_

_Where am I? Why does everything hurt? And where have I heard this voice before?_

_"You lay upon ze blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land."_

_Honest Abe?_

_"Castles plundered. Dominions in ruin. Servants destroyed. All to end ze hellfire vith vich you sought to cover ze world."_

_That son of a bitch is wearing my coat... oh wait, he had it first. Right. _

_"A bloody conquest having consumed hundreds of sousands, countless villages razed to ze ground, and over twenty sousand impaled and prostrated by you and you alone, to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men!"_

_"Vat say you, monster, demon, devil conceived by the bleakest womb!? Vat say you NOW!?"_

_"...The Aristocrats."_

_Abraham doesn't seem to like that answer._

And that's when the dream always ends, just like that. But now... I feel like I've forgotten something important...

Right.

"Oh God."

Just before I stand, I realize aloud, "It's Orientation Day!"

X

**As experienced by the mercenary Pip Bernadotte**

"You've all been subcontracted as personal bodyguards to the Hellsing Organisation. As you may have heard, we deal with special-interest targets. Terrorists, cultists, and individuals who believe themselves to be of..." the blonde boss-lady laughs briefly, "...a mystical persuasion."

There isn't a guy in the room who doesn't laugh his ass off at that one, not counting myself. It's my job to take it all seriously, but even I chuckle a bit. "...Well, is zere anysing else we should be informed about ze facility?"

"Everything you need to know has already been covered in the briefing."

Which is great. No jumpscares, traps or unpleasant surprises of any sor-

"Hey kids wanna see a dead body!?"

GAHWHATTHEF-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

X

**As experienced by the Snark Lord Alucard**

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"Stop screaming!" Integra screams.

Heh.

"So, what's up with the pride meeting?"

"They're a mercenery group contracted to replace all the soldiers we lost in the Valentine brot-"

To a troll with several hundred years of experience, even the simple act of interrupting someone can be made into a subtle artwork. In this case, I chose to let the boss get close to the end of her sentence, and let her get her hopes up that I would behave this one time.

You'd think she would've learned by now.

"Wait, are these guys _French_?"

"...We were forced to post mortality rates," Integra grumbles. "They're the only ones who applied."

"We are _really _scraping the bottom of the barrel here..."

The apparent leader of these mercs glares at me, like he doesn't even realize I'm a fuckmothering vampire. It's actually kind of adorable, in a pathetic way. I give him a week before he gets killed.

Walter should be catching up with me any second now...

"Sir Integra!" Right on cue. "I apologize, I _tried _to stop him..." Tried valiantly, actually, and yet failed miserably. Poor bastard's memory must finally be going if he forgot that I can _walk through walls._

And now that McDoesntexist got himself killed last week, there's literally no one on Earth who can get in my way.

"But when I pleaded with him, he merely responded with, and mind my French..." he pauses, then turns to the girlyman leading this merc team and adds, "...No offense..."

"Some taken," Frenchy interjects with an amused grin.

"_Fuck the police. _He then proceeeded to tilt _every _painting he passed on the way here."

Cue the evillest giggling fit I've ever fallen into in my entire life.

"Oh God," Integra sighs loudly. "Walking through that hallway is going to give me such a headache now."

And now that I know her weak point, I will strike it relentlessly for massive damage.

"Speaking of headaches-"

_...Seras, did you see that?_

_O.O_

Jeez, Walter might not be quite right in the head at his age, but he's as fast as he was in the '40s. That letter came out of nowhere like Plot no Jutsu.

"-a very _curious _letter arrived for you in the mail."

Integra looks at that letter, and...

Dear God. She's actually _more _pissed than I could _ever _make her.

"Enrico Maxwell!? That _filthy, slimy, arrogant ITALIAN __**PIECE OF **__**SH**_-"

I have a rival, and I must vanquish him like Gary motherfucking Oak.

X

"Maxwell, oh it's been _far _too long."

...Huh?

"I agree. You're no longer that little girl I used to know." So she knew this guy as a kid, huh? White hair, purple eyes, glasses, Italian accent... nope, don't recognize him. Weird. "Look at all those lines on your face."

Hm... not a bad first shot there, Ezio.

"And look at all the brown on your nose! How _is _the Pope doing?"

Wow. That was pretty good, boss.

"Better than your failing Church." Oh, he's slipping up a bit now. That one was weak.

"Well, not all of us can exploit illegals."

"But you don't waste time making money off Rupert Murdoch!"

Okay, now I have to step in. _This _is the guy that can make Integra angrier than I've ever seen? I expected Aizen-level trolling, and I am _sorely _disappointed. Let's see how he handles a few shots from me...

"Honestly, if you're going to have a dickfighting competition with a _woman_, you must've started off with the world's _cruelest _handicap." This as I emerge from my hiding spot within a nearby wall. Integra seems surprised to see me. I can't really fathom why. "Which I'm sure benefits the nine-year-old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet."

Oh? What's this? Did I just strike a nerve? He seems pretty upset by that jab... either he actually is a pedophile, or he really hates them. Let's find out which one...

"Which was paid for _how_? Oh _right_. Generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God. _All over his back_."

A critical hit! It's super effective!

And judging from his reaction, it seems my latter theory was correct. Further experimentation is needed...

Ezio crushes his glasses... doesn't he need those?

"_ANDERSOOOOON_!" It's right about now that I realize my first trolling salvo has been tragically cut short by one Reference McUnoriginal and the entrance music he stole from Sheamus.

Typical.

"Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling!" Channeling his inner Wolverine, Reference has four bayonets stuffed into his left fist and that _cannot _be comfortable, let alone effective. But whatever.

"You brought me a present!?" This is addressed to Ezio, of course. I almost feel bad about calling him a pedophile now.

_No you don't._

_No I don't. I _really _don't._

"Kiss the Son lest He be angry, and ye perish from the way, when His wrath is kindled but a little!" So let's see. Swords are normally the weapon of choice in anime over guns, but he's using bayonets, not quite swords, and I'm using hand-cannons, not just guns. Plus this is an _abridged _anime. So... who wins here?

"Right this way, Group B!"

_wat_

"That's right, right in front of everyone else! You're eighty; you're used to it! We're going to look at _art _and _paintings_, which I believe are _also _art! I dunno, I'm _Cockney_, I'm _uncultured_!"

"...Uh, well, my boner's gone." _Seras, that art style isn't flattering you at all._

_Huh? Art style?_

So she can't break the fourth wall like I can. Interesting.

"Aye, kind of a mood-killer," Reference agrees.

I'll have to sort him out some other time. Doing it now wouldn't be any fun. "Wanna try this again some other time?"

"Of course," he replies cheerily. "Kill ye later, ye monstrous heathen." His bayonets go _snikt _as they slide back up his sleeves.

"You too, ya Catholic sociopath. Whoops, tautology!"

In case you're wondering, a tautology is a grammatically incorrect use of redundant words in the structure of a sentence. In this case, calling a Catholic a sociopath is redundant, therefore I've made a grammar error. Therefore, whoops, tautology.

Ezio speaks up, inadvertently reminding me that he exists. "...You want some coffee?" he offers hesitantly.

Integra replies with a cheery smile, "I'd love some."

Oh.

_**OH**_.

That explains why she's so pissed at him even though his trolling pales in comparison to mine. I know from experience that she's a tsundere. And there's one person who can always piss off a tsundere more than anyone else she knows. You get three guesses who, and the first two don't count.

_Seras, follow them. We need to weaponize this._

_Of course, Master._

X

**As experienced by the Draculina Seras Victoria, formerly a Police Girl**

"So, the letter you sent never specified the purpose of this meeting..."

"Consider this a business transaction." _Ezio... I mean Enrico, dammit Master... seems a bit jittery. Sort of... excited about something._

_What about Integra? _

"I have two pieces of information that I wish to trade with you."

_No over-the-top blushing, she's making eye contact, and she's not putting on an overly angry face. She just looks annoyed, like usual._

_Hm... It could have been a false alarm, but if not... muhuhahahaha. Keep an eye on them._

"And what would those be?" she's definitely glaring at him, though. Master was right about that much.

"The true identity of Millennium."

"...Who?"

"The organization who assailed your compound," Ez-_Enrico _taps out a quick beat on his briefcase impatiently.

_THAT has my attention. _I can all but feel Master leaning forward with a grin, even though he's still back in said compound. _Millennium, hm? Sounds vaguely familiar..._

"Oh yeah, there was some debate over that," Integra muses.

"And the whereabouts of said Millennium."

_Pay. Close. Attention._

"And what could you possibly want in exchange?" Integra asks warily.

"Oh, nothing major. Just two simple apologies, from you and your subordinate, known as the _Crimson Fucker!_"

_...Master?_

_Wait for it._

Seeing the blank, unimpressed look Integra is throwing his way, Enrico adds, "Also known as Alucard."

_Ah._

"...So you want an apology from me?"

"I figured, but didn't want to assume."

_Ha. Because he knows he'll never get an apology out of me._

_Don't explain the joke, Master._

"And, by chance, what would I have to apologize to the Iscariot Organizaton for?"

"Well, originally I'd ask you to apologize for being a _scumsucking, blaspheming, ignorant Protestant pigsow._.. but in this case, the sins of your pet vampire are of greater concern."

"What did he do _this _time?" her voice raises angrily...

_Heh._

_What?_

_He called you her 'pet vampire.' I just pictured her stroking a little chibi Master like a Bond villain._

_...Okay, that's pretty funny, but focus._

Ez_Enrico_ pulls a black book from his briefcase. "Over the last couple of years, he has sent no less than _two hundred-_" he drops the book on the table, "-death threats to the Pope. By _carrier pigeon_, no less! They just... _fly _right into the Vatican!"

_Very nice, Master._

_Why, thank you._

"The latest one read as such: Dear Chief Replacement..."

_...I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with. That's right. I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey. Follow me on Twitter TheCrimsonFuckr!_

"...Sincerely, Alucard."

_You memorized that whole letter?_

_I memorized all two hundred. I intend to recite them all, word for word, before killing him. Especially since I've just gotten confirmation that Iscariot has been intercepting the letters._

"I can't help but ponder the frightful headway he'd make if he'd put that sort of energy into his job..."

"So, that apology...?"

Integra sighs. "I'm s-"

And then she turns to look right at me, and I realize I'm giggling at her _out loud _while hiding inside a nearby bush.

_OH SH-_

_SERAS RUN LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER-_

X

**As experienced by Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing**

"So that's where they are."

I haven't so much as glimpsed the Police Girl since I... _we _returned to the Hellsing compound. I haven't seen her since I caught her spying on Maxwell and myself. What he hoped to get out of this, I have no idea, but I'm sure that this was Alucard's doing. I just need to figure out whether he roped her into this one idiotic plan, or if she's actively following his orders at all times.

"Interesting. But do you think Alucard will go?"

Well, at least I know I can trust Walter. I'll need to rely on him to sort out this mess. "Not as long as it's an order."

"I think I have an idea," he grins.

X

**As experienced by Jeeves**

"Did you know you have vacation days?"

"I have _vacation _days!?" The grin he throws at me is downright horrifying, but I've had decades to build up an immunity to this insanity. "You mean I can leave anytime I want and _not _get yelled at over the phone? Because seriously, it's _always _over the phone. Mostly because I don't like to argue with her in person. When I get a boner, it's _super _awkward."

"Quite."

"Well that settles it; I'm going _traveling_!"

"Yes, you can go anywhere you wish... Except for Brazil. Sir Integra was quite insistent that you _never _visit Brazil."

"..."

"..."

"..._Takingthepolicegirlandthefrenchman_!"

X

**As experienced by the Snark Lord Alucard**

Oh, this is getting good, _really _good. Integra's definitely suspicious of us, and she's already trying to trick us into confirming that Seras is working for me. Once we get to Brazil, she'll have no way to watch over us, but this plane itself is laced with audio bugs and hidden cameras. If I hadn't spotted them... well, actually, we do all our plotting telepathically, so she still wouldn't have caught us. But since I did spot them, my sidekick is currently stuffed into a coffin in the cargo hold.

"...So, where is ze Police Girl?"

"Aw, y'know, she's downstairs."

"...Isn't zat ze cargo hold?"

_That's your cue._

"I HAVE A FEAR OF FLYING, COFFINS AND _TIGHT PLACES_~!" she sobs at a ludicrous volume.

_Nicely done._

_Thanks. Did he hear it?_

_Yep. _Glancing out the window, I spot O Cristo Redentor. _We're here. _

"_JESUS WANTS A HUG~!"_

X

"There we are. A regular two-bedroom."

"_Hilarious_. No, I want the _penthouse_."

"I'm... sorry sir; Mr. Chevy Chase currently has that room reserved."

Unacceptable. I cannot reenact The Hangover in its entirety without a penthouse suite. Come to think of it, I only brought Seras and Frenchy with me. We need a fourth character to serve as a MacGuffin... meh, I'll figure something out.

"I _said_... _**you want to give me the penthouse**_**."**

"I... want to give you the penthouse."

_**"And you want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole."**_

"And I want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole."

"See this, Frenchy? I can make him say whatever I want. _**White Chicks was amazing**_**."**

"White Chicks was amazing..."

"He believes it too."

"EUGH."

X

"Scarlet Tampon to Sticky Sock. The Crimson Fucker has checked in. I repeat, the Crimson Fucker has checked in. Also, _I'm _choosing the goddamn _nicknames _next time."

Judging from the accent, this guy who's stalking me isn't English, so he isn't with Hellsing. He also, disappointingly, doesn't sound like any Nazi I've ever met. He might be with Iscariot, or maybe a local. Neither of them have any reason to be wary of me more than usual right now, but this guy knows my chosen alias. That means he either follows me on Twitter, and is therefore a local fanboy, or he's involved with my death threats to the Pope and is therefore an Iscariot agent.

Hm...

"So..."

Oh right, I was in the middle of trying to get Frenchy out of the penthouse, hopefully before he remembers that Seras is still locked up in my coffin... in case you're wondering, I had to hypnotize like two dozen people to get it up here, but whatever.

"...if zis doesn't sound weird, would you maybe like to get a drink later? Hit up a club?"

Well, that takes some balls. This guy isn't stupid; he knows my preferred beverage is human blood, which is most often found in the circulatory system of _living humans like himself_, where it is still warm and fresh and _exceptionally thirst-quenching... _but I'm getting sort of impatient here.

"You're not my friend; you're my bodyguard. Make it past two weeks, I _might _learn your name. Until then, you're spare blood."

"Jeez, fine," he turns to leave, and I recall something else of importance.

"Also, tell that guy to stop spying on me, it's creepy!"

"_Shitshitshit_!" Scarlet Tampon scurries away ingloriously.

"Now that I'm all by myself, I can just kick back and _reeeel_-"

At my command, the door slams shut and conveniently locks itself for me.

"Nope."

_You can come out now, Seras._

_Um... does this thing even open from the inside?_

_It only opens from the inside, actually. No one can open it and tamper with it, and I have to use my shadow powers to open it from the outside._

The lid of the black coffin, neatly aligned with the outer wall of the penthouse suite, pops open with a click. She sits up and stretches, clearly uncomfortable. _Thanks. So, we can talk in here, right?_

"I've already checked for bugs, but honestly, there's no way Integra could've put any here. The ones on the plane were the best she could do."

Seras sighs loudly in relief. "Nice." she stands up and stretches one leg after the other. "So, we haven't really gotten a chance to talk about what happened with Integra. I'm sorry I got caught, Master."

I chuckle, just briefly. I'm in Plotting Mode right now, you see. Many of my grander acts of wondrous trolling require careful planning, and as an immortal vampire I've had centuries to perfect my craft. "It's fine; we can work with this. Seras, what's Rule Number One?"

"'We can get away with anything as long as we're smart enough.'" She takes a seat on the couch, while I move to peek through the almost-shut curtains at Rio's skyline. "I still think that's a bit of an exaggeration, Master, I mean, shouldn't it be 'as long as we're smart enough and have awesome vampire powers?'"

"Absolutely not. The awesome vampire powers just give us a broader range of options, and allow us to execute more _fun _plans..."

I turn, and reveal my glowing-glasses-and-teeth grin. "Now then. No matter what, remember that your mission _wasn't _a failure. Even though we have no concrete evidence that Integra and Ezio are mutually tsundere, we did gain useful information from it. And even though you were caught, Integra still has no concrete evidence that you're my sidekick."

"Sidekick?"

"Would you prefer partner, or accomplice, or apprentice?"

"Partner sounds sort of nice."

"Partner it is. As I was saying..." here my grin broadens, "...we're going to turn this situation into what's called a Xanatos Gambit. It means we're going to create a plan so perfect that _every possible outcome _is good for us."

Seras leans forward with wide eyes. I really do love that she's so eager to learn. One day, I believe she'll be as good at this as I am; she certainly has the drive for it.

"The first step of our plan was pretty much just served to us on a silver platter with a nice Chianti," I go on. "Someone is watching us from outside the suite, and he's definitely not with Hellsing. I believe he's either with Iscariot, or Millennium itself. And since we know Iscariot has intel on Millenium, we may well be able to get information on them from this agent, no matter who he's with."

"How are we gonna do that? Get information from him, I mean. Are we gonna torture him? Bribe him? Hit him with that hypno-vision thing you used on the front desk guy?"

"I'm gonna read his mind, by drinking all of his blood."

"You can _do _that!?"

"_We_, Seras. _We _can do that. And soon, you might just get a chance to really play with your own abilities as a Draculina. No one from Hellsing is watching us here, which means no one will see that I've been teaching you and live to talk about it... All we have to do is wait for our opponents here to make a move."

X

_"Shots fired from the penthouse suite on the top floor. The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear for the worst. The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman, and some Ozzy Osbourne-looking motherfucker."_

X

My phone rings, with absolutely perfect timing. We were thinking about heading out of the hotel room and laying waste to whoever sent us this tasty assortment of mooks, but as we haven't yet left the penthouse, Integra hasn't interrupted our killing spree. Thus, perfect timing. "Hold on a moment, I gotta take this. _Yello~_?"

"What, did you do?"

"Alright... But you can't be mad at me."

"_What_, did you _do_?"

"Okay _first_... I was minding my own business."

"_Bullshit_!"

"I _was_!"

"And exactly what happened whilst you were 'minding your own business?'"

_Here we go. _"So I was just chillaxin' in my room like a _baller_, and all of a sudden these _schmucks _kick in my door! One of them yelled out," here I do my best impression of the guy's very _not Brazilian _accent, "'Get on your knees!' And I responded with, 'I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT!' And they took exception to that... But, you know how that song and dance goes, and I killed all but one of them."

"...What happened to the last one?"

"_Pussed out like a BITCH_! Silver lining? I can cancel my room service!"

Shit. Now I've got the munchies.

X

**Elsewhere**

"...So, we've sent like ten guys up there and we haven't heard back. You think everything's alright?"

"_Naturalmente_, don' _worry _about it, of _course _everything's _fine_!"

"Well... no matter what, we're still gonna get our immortality, right?"

"Buddy, my friend, do I look like the kinda guy who would go back on an agreement?"

...

"By the way, you may want to send more men."

"Well, that sounds reasonable."

X

**Back to Alucard**

_Om nom nom. _"You've been like, really quiet for like, five minutes..." _Nom. _"Oh _I _know why you're _angry_! It's because I went to _Brazil_, isn't it?"

"...Alucard, put the Police Girl on the phone."

"Really? You want to talk to... okay, bye, whatever." I lay my hand over the mic to muffle it. "Seras, she wants to talk to you. Be careful not to let anything slip, and if you get a chance, tell her I'm going for a walk."

_Right. Why'd you say that out loud though?_

_Integra has to have heard me say something, to believe I told you I was going for a walk. But I muffled it so she didn't hear what I actually said. _

_Clever. _"...'Ello?"

"Whatever you do, do _not _let Alucard leave that room under _any _circumstance!"

"Actually, he just left." She hasn't learned my signature evil grin, but that sadistic red glow in her eyes and that Aizen-esque smirk make for a nice start. "He said he was going for a walk-"

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!"

And that's my cue... It's showtime.

"Hey guys; how's your health plan?" After staring for a few seconds in open-mouthed horror, the mooks outside the penthouse open fire. "APPARENTLY IT'S _GREAT_!"

By my count, I gun down six before the others get to the elevator, but it's not like they can outrun me. And of course, I can hypno-vision one of them into politely holding the door open for me, which is convenient. There were another ten there... plus the six I just threw out the lobby windows and impaled like the good old days, and the first ten that invaded the penthouse, that's thirty-two dead so far.

Jeez, am I losing my edge? Back in Romania I used to kill like ten times this many on a good night!

"I heard you know how to make an entrance... If I had known you were going to do all _this_, I'd have hung some Union Jacks for you."

Hm. He's wearing a long coat, which in this show tends to signify plot relevance. There are exceptions of course; Seras doesn't wear one yet, but still. I've yet to see someone wearing a long coat in this show who didn't matter. His is rather short, so he's not quite a redshirt, but he's definitely not a recurring major villain either... "Hold on. Did you put all this on for me? Who are you?"

"I am Tubalcain Alhambra," he announces with a bow, "Or the Dandy Man. I may or may not have fed a lie to the local _policia _that in return for your capture, I would give them immortality."

_Ha! Classic. _"And they fuckin' _bought _that!?"

"Like discount _peixe_."

"You cheeky dickwaffle!" Not bad, but I'm pretty sure he's an actual member of Millennium at this point, so I'd better move this along. "So then, what's the deal?"

"A cute choice of words..." He holds up an ace of spades. "I wish to play a card game, _vampiro_."

Nice try, but you're in the wrong anime. "What, we talking 52 Pickup?"

"_No_... more like 52 _Cutup_!"

Wow, I've never seen someone shuffle cards and make it look quite that cool. Maybe he's in the right anime after all. On the other hand, it's not like I'm gonna let him...

"_Hit me_~! Whoop-" He tries again, and it's a good try, honest. I dodge a few more, and then I realize he's killing cops and blowing shit up with every miss. I want in on that fun, so I return fire and 'accidentally' miss him, killing two more cops. Once I kill this guy, it'll bring my count for the night up to thirty-five. It's a nice, even number.

_No it's not._

_I wasn't talking to you._

_You weren't talking at all!_

_I wasn't THINKING to you! Are you in position yet?_

_Yep. Which means I have nothing better to do than annoy you._

That response makes me stop for a second, just in time to realize I just landed a bullet in my victim's throat, a little too early... oh wait, he's dissolving into playing cards. "So, he can make card clones..." Something explodes behind me, and I decide it's about time I busted out my own ninja technique.

"You activated my trap card," he announces and snaps his fingers.

"Oh boy." So he actually _knows _he's in the wrong anime; that's new.

'With this technique, users replace their own body with some other object, generally with a block of wood, the moment an attack lands. This creates an optical illusion, making the enemy think the attack was successful...' yadda yadda yadda, reference you don't care about, **Kawarimi no Jutsu**!

"Hey Dandydick! Ya missed!" With yet another traditional ninja move, the art of walking up a vertical surface with no hands, I run up to Seras' location to spring our devious trap on Dandydick. "WOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOP!"

X

**Elsewhere**

"Do ya think Alhambra can take him?"

"Calm down man; it's fine. I'm just focused on what I'm gonna do with my immortality..."

"_Ha_! Joke's on you; I'm getting _double _immortality... huh?"

"Un. Deux. Trois, quatre, cinq."

"Ohnononono_noAH_!"

"Six, sept..."

_Allons enfants de la Patrie, le jour de gloire est arrive!_

_**BOOM**_

"Now let's see what he thinks about having zat drink with me..."

X

**Back to Alucard**

"Awgh, I could use a drink right now... not used to seeing this much of my own blood anymore... guy's got magic cards... and magic hands..."

"Tell me Alucard, are you a betting man?"

"I believe that's _your _shtick."

"I'd like to make a little bet with you, _vagabundo_... I'll end your life, with one hand."

Ooh, that actually sounds interesting, and I can feel my legs again so I stand. I love being me. "I'll take that bet. Now... _hit me with your best shot_!"

He throws two cards. Seriously? He used like dozens on me at once before, and _this _is his best shot? "Oh _shame _for you... you **activated **_**my ALU**__**CARD**_."

"What!?"

_Open fire, Seras._

She does. "_GET SUUUUUUM_!"

"_Que merda_!?" Dandydick is less than pleased, and now he's on the defensive, retreating and blocking her shots with magic playing cards. By now he must feel that those things are woefully inadequate, but we're not done yet, oh no.

_Now, the Harkonnen!_

_Right! _"Trump _this_!"

As expected, he has a way to save himself from a direct hit, but also as expected, the explosive Harkonnen shell still goes off and gives me a smokescreen. What we _didn't _expect was him conveniently calling out to us and giving me his exact location. "I'm getting real tired of this shit!"

_**"You and me both."**_ He's running out of cards and I'm right behind him, so I take his ass down so epically that the good guys' triumphant theme music from Avatar plays. He's on his last card, I see, so we're just about done. _**"Now show me your hand... DAAAAAANDYYYYYYY MAAAAAAAAAAN!"**_

_Such ham. Much wow. Amaze._

_Let me have my fun. __**"Hey Dandy Man."**_

"Eh?"

_**"You lost."**_

"Uhuh..."

_**"And now I have to read your mind."**_

"...Eh?"

_**"By drinking all of your blood."**_

"Uh, ah, AAAAAAAAAH-"

_**"OM NOM NOM NOM!"**_

_Master? You feeling okay? You look a little spaced out._

_...The fuck is this? The fuck is THAT? THE FUCK ARE THOSE!?_ Oh, okay, found the important memories and...

_**"Ooooooooh... ohohohoho... hmuhuhuahaha! AHAHAHAHAHA!"**_

"...Master?"

"Hold on. I need to tweet about this."

X

IT'S NAZIS. #calledit #bitcheslovecannons #fuckmotheringvampire

X

"..."

"Sir Integra, is something the matter?"

"...It's the _fucking_ _Nazis_."


End file.
